Thoughts From 5/9/14: Half Assed Eurovision Preview Part II

- Favorite is Sweden with 5/2 odds. Sweden just won 2 years ago. (see, Loreen, "Euphoria" in yesterday's post)

- More new info, Romania is 66/1 odds to win. I will have to support you guys with my heart and not my wallet. That's a bit much.

- New info, the "circular piano" the Romanians are using, they say, symbolizes unity. Ok, I'm a softie. These guys are tugging at my heart strings.

  - I give up whittling down the list any further, it's too hard. I am okay if Iceland wins (they jailed their bankers after the economic crisis, and forgave the debt of regular people), Greece, Ireland, or Italy win (fucked during the Euro crisis), Austria (drag queen with a better beard than I can grow (see left, below)), Romania (circular piano, and musical Prozac-type song), Latvia (for kitsch), Poland (overt, borderline desperate display of sexuality), France (because a part of me appreciates their xenophobia) and Hungary (no real reason to hate them).

- Germany and Netherlands I say goodbye to you as well. Germany is one of the strongest economic countries (probably the strongest) in the EU. And, you can smoke marijuana legally in Amsterdam. You both are countries that have shit way too good. Germany also had a Eurovision winner back in 2010. (Lena Meyer Landrut) Yes, I pay way too much attention to this contest. 23 down, 8 to go.

- I have to drop all other countries (excluding Latvia) that end in "ia." I'm not sure exactly where you guys are on a map, so you must be jettisoned. So, I say goodbye to: Armenia, Estonia, Albania, Lithuania, Macedonia, and Slovenia. 21 down, 10 to go.

- Latvia is now on par with Austria (drag queen singer), Poland (overt sexuality) and Romania (circular piano) due to their epic levels of un-ironic campiness. Take 3 minutes of your life and listen to "Cake To Bake", the Latvia entry for 2014.

- Poland is now neck and neck with Conchita Wurst (Austria) for my rooting interest tomorrow. I find their blatant use of sexuality, kinda enduring. So, I've narrowed this down to countries Germany really fucked up in World War II.

- Minor correction. The song from the French representative will also not be sung in English. I told you this preview was "half-assed."

- Ms. Conchita Wurst now has a battle for my affection. The folks from Romania have a song that could be classified as "musical Prozac" and one of the singers play a circular piano. It will be hard to chop from the 2nd half. Check out the piano though.

- Yesterday's post was a microcosm of how the Eurovision contest grabs me each year. I simply wondered aloud, who I didn't want to vote for and it turned into a post where I eliminate 15 of the nations. 

Thoughts From 5/8/14: Half-Assed Eurovision Preview Edition

- Malta, you're out for the same reason as San Marino. You're a little less ridiculous with a population of 450,000, but c'mon, you still make places like Rhode Island seem big. 15 down, 16 to go.

- I'm having trouble eliminating others, so we'll take a music break. Here's the winner of the 2012 contest Loreen, with her winning song "Euphoria." It's "musical Prozac" to me. I'm at Lady Gaga levels of happiness when I hear this song.

- Ok, San Marino, you have to go because you are a country of 31,000 people. That's barely the populaiton a small city, that's ridiculous and you shouldn't be here wasting everyone's time. Can't you guys just vote to become part of Russia or something? 14 down, 17 to go.

- United Kingdom has to go, because I don't want to see David Cameron (Prime Minister of England) happy for any reason. Here's his hit-list, if you're unfamiliar with how horrible he is. If you can imagine an even more dickish Mitt Romney plus a posh accent, that's David Cameron. In this pic, he was calling for more austerity, literally in front of a gold throne. (not exaggerating, Google the speech deets). England (United Kingdom) CAN NOT win. 13 down, 18 to go.

- Romania is out because it's Dracula's birthplace. As a kid, and still now, it freaks me out to see people bitten on the neck. Look at the photo, it's horrifying. I've always had trouble with Dracula movies. I know Dracula isn't real guys. But, hey, my fears are irrational. 12 down, 19 to go.

- Switzerland is out because their social system rivals that of Scandinavia and they are talking about a basic income for all their citizens of around 2,800 US Dollars/ month. I'm jealous and petty and this is another country where shit is going well enough that they don't need a Eurovision winner. And, they hide all of the world's dodgy money. 11 down, 20 to go. The lovely Ms. Wurst is still in the lead.

- The country of Georgia is out. When I hear Georgia, I think of the American South and there are few things I like less, than the American South. 10 down, 21 to go.

- Israel has to go. 2 reasons: They're not even in fucking Europe and they commit war crimes, basically daily. If America wasn't America, Israel would be America, kinda. It makes sense, if you don't really think about it. 9 down, 22 to go.

- Montenegro has to go as well. I'm all for expanding my horizons, but I draw the line at Montenegrin music. 8 down, 23 more to go.

- Ok, so 31 nations are performing. I've eliminated 7 (Russia, Spain, Portugal, all of Scandinavia (see below)) so far. 46 hours till the show begins, I can do this.

- I can't cheer for any of the Scandinavian nations, so out goes: Finland, Norway, Denmark, Sweden. You guys already have a great social welfare system, you don't need a Eurovision contest winner too.And, Denmark won last year anyway.

- But, as a vegan, can I really cheer for someone who goes by the last name "Wurst"?  And, this is why it's hard to be a liberal. #EndlessGuilt

- As a bonus, she wears a full beard and a long gown to most of her performances.

 - My tentative rooting interest: Austria
The representative from Austria is a drag queen, who goes by the name "Conchita Wurst", identifies as gender neutral and would like to be referred to with female pronouns. As a hand-wringing liberal, who else could I cheer for? 

- As always, I suggest Americans watch the Eurovision contest. It's a great way to learn about countries we aren't bombing. #rimshot

- And, proving that it's great to be from an English-speaking country, all but one of the songs will be sung in English on Saturday. The singer from Montenegro will be singing in Montenegrin. He is begging to not win the contest.

- I just learned that Eurovision votes coming out of the Crimean region of Ukraine, will count as Ukranian votes. And see, this is how Eurovision gets me every year.  #GeopoliticalFun

- Ok, I'm gonna work this out before Saturday. Nations I can't cheer for: Portugal and Spain (soccer reasons), Russia (Crimea reasons)

- This is, in a nutshell, why the Eurovision contest always pulls me in. I just lost 30 minutes simply figuring out reasons to not cheer for nations hit by a financial crisis.

- And, the Champions League Final is being held in Lisbon. To hell with you twice, Portugal.

- Wait, and one of the Europa League Finalists are from Portugal...so to hell with Portugal too.
 
- Now that I think about it, we have an all-Madrid Champions League Final...so, to hell with Spain.

- It will start innocent enough. I'll start watching it ironically. Probably post some snarky tweets to Twitter. And, then, before I know it, 4 hours will fly by because I've been cheering on all the nations done in by the Euro crisis (namely the "PIIGS": Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece, Spain). Yeah, I connect everything to politics.

- I just found out that the Eurovision contest is on this Saturday. There is 150% chance that I will waste 4 hours of my life watching it.

- Sometimes I post controversial stuff on Facebook, just to confirm who my asshole "friends" are. If you see anything regarding the minimum wage, reproductive rights for women, making fun of religion, rights for sex workers, and the like, I'm probably baiting you, to see your level asshole-ness.