- I'm having trouble eliminating others, so we'll take a music break. Here's the winner of the 2012 contest Loreen, with her winning song "Euphoria." It's "musical Prozac" to me. I'm at Lady Gaga levels of happiness when I hear this song.
- Ok, San Marino, you have to go because you are a country of 31,000 people. That's barely the populaiton a small city, that's ridiculous and you shouldn't be here wasting everyone's time. Can't you guys just vote to become part of Russia or something? 14 down, 17 to go.
- United Kingdom has to go, because I don't want to see David Cameron (Prime Minister of England) happy for any reason. Here's his hit-list, if you're unfamiliar with how horrible he is. If you can imagine an even more dickish Mitt Romney plus a posh accent, that's David Cameron. In this pic, he was calling for more austerity, literally in front of a gold throne. (not exaggerating, Google the speech deets). England (United Kingdom) CAN NOT win. 13 down, 18 to go.
- Romania is out because it's Dracula's birthplace. As a kid, and still now, it freaks me out to see people bitten on the neck. Look at the photo, it's horrifying. I've always had trouble with Dracula movies. I know Dracula isn't real guys. But, hey, my fears are irrational. 12 down, 19 to go.
- Switzerland is out because their social system rivals that of Scandinavia and they are talking about a basic income for all their citizens of around 2,800 US Dollars/ month. I'm jealous and petty and this is another country where shit is going well enough that they don't need a Eurovision winner. And, they hide all of the world's dodgy money. 11 down, 20 to go. The lovely Ms. Wurst is still in the lead.
- The country of Georgia is out. When I hear Georgia, I think of the American South and there are few things I like less, than the American South. 10 down, 21 to go.
- Israel has to go. 2 reasons: They're not even in fucking Europe and they commit war crimes, basically daily. If America wasn't America, Israel would be America, kinda. It makes sense, if you don't really think about it. 9 down, 22 to go.
- Montenegro has to go as well. I'm all for expanding my horizons, but I draw the line at Montenegrin music. 8 down, 23 more to go.
- Ok, so 31 nations are performing. I've eliminated 7 (Russia, Spain, Portugal, all of Scandinavia (see below)) so far. 46 hours till the show begins, I can do this.
- I can't cheer for any of the Scandinavian nations, so out goes: Finland, Norway, Denmark, Sweden. You guys already have a great social welfare system, you don't need a Eurovision contest winner too.And, Denmark won last year anyway.
- But, as a vegan, can I really cheer for someone who goes by the last name "Wurst"? And, this is why it's hard to be a liberal. #EndlessGuilt
- As a bonus, she wears a full beard and a long gown to most of her performances.
- My tentative rooting interest: Austria
The representative from Austria is a drag queen, who goes by the name "Conchita Wurst", identifies as gender neutral and would like to be referred to with female pronouns. As a hand-wringing liberal, who else could I cheer for?
- As always, I suggest Americans watch the Eurovision contest. It's a great way to learn about countries we aren't bombing. #rimshot
- And, proving that it's great to be from an English-speaking country, all but one of the songs will be sung in English on Saturday. The singer from Montenegro will be singing in Montenegrin. He is begging to not win the contest.
- I just learned that Eurovision votes coming out of the Crimean region of Ukraine, will count as Ukranian votes. And see, this is how Eurovision gets me every year. #GeopoliticalFun
- Ok, I'm gonna work this out before Saturday. Nations I can't cheer for: Portugal and Spain (soccer reasons), Russia (Crimea reasons)
- This is, in a nutshell, why the Eurovision contest always pulls me in. I just lost 30 minutes simply figuring out reasons to not cheer for nations hit by a financial crisis.
- And, the Champions League Final is being held in Lisbon. To hell with you twice, Portugal.
- Wait, and one of the Europa League Finalists are from Portugal...so to hell with Portugal too.
- Now that I think about it, we have an all-Madrid Champions League Final...so, to hell with Spain.
- It will start innocent enough. I'll start watching it ironically. Probably post some snarky tweets to Twitter. And, then, before I know it, 4 hours will fly by because I've been cheering on all the nations done in by the Euro crisis (namely the "PIIGS": Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece, Spain). Yeah, I connect everything to politics.
- I just found out that the Eurovision contest is on this Saturday. There is 150% chance that I will waste 4 hours of my life watching it.
- Sometimes I post controversial stuff on Facebook, just to confirm who my asshole "friends" are. If you see anything regarding the minimum wage, reproductive rights for women, making fun of religion, rights for sex workers, and the like, I'm probably baiting you, to see your level asshole-ness.
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