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| You think I have enough? |
- 7:45: Ok, so I've decided to do this. I know it's crazy. I'm certain no one will read this but me. But, Eurovision has a special place in my heart. I have no idea why. I find the contest charming. And, as a bonus, I can make so many jokes about Europe's checkered history. #GeopoliticalFun
- 7:46: By the way, popcorn's made for the night. I think I made too much. (I'm watching this alone)
- 7:50: In my defense, I'm a big guy and when I cook/make something small, where you measure with your "eye", I always make too much. Foods I always make too much of: Quinoa, all pastas, Bulgur, Popcorn, white and brown rice, lentils, Cous Cous, and Barley Wheat
- 7:59: Ok, just back from the kitchen, I had to double check which grain/legume/nuts I always make too much of and my list was complete. There was one exception. I always eat too much Musli each morning. It's another thing that looks like I never have enough of it.
- 8:00: Tagesschau time. A news staple here in Germany (kinda like the "Nightly News" in America). 15 minutes to the show.
- 8:01: I'm hoping popcorn doesn't have the same shit turkey has in it. Otherwise, I'll be in a coma by 9:30
- 8:03: Ok, there are only reduced levels of tryptophan in corn. I should make it to the end. I should have thought of that, before making enough popcorn for a large movie theater.
- 8:07: According to Tagesschau, the world's still fucked up. Glad I tuned in.
- 8:09: To quote myself from yesterday's post, here is a quick reminder, the countries that I'm ok with winning this thing and reasons for : "I am okay if Iceland wins (they jailed their bankers after the economic crisis, and forgave the debt of regular people), Greece, Ireland, or Italy win (fucked during the Euro crisis and still being fucked), Austria (drag queen with a better beard than I can grow), Romania (circular piano, and musical Prozac-type song), Latvia (for kitsch), Poland (overt, borderline desperate display of sexuality), France (because a part of me appreciates their xenophobia and unwillingness to sing in English) and Hungary (no real reason to hate them).
- 8:15: Eurovision begins!! By the way, this year's show is hosted by Copenhagen. The country, with the winning song from last year, hosts the following year's contest. #UselessInfo
- 8:16: Wait, it doesn't begin. There's a 45 minute pre-party. The actual contest starts at 9pm. Oh no, this might have thrown off my popcorn intake for the evening. This is what happens when you do half-assed research. Back at 9pm guys.
- 8:52: Wow, I also just learned that the pre-party was on the Reeperbahn, here in Hamburg today. Again, the perils of half-assed research. In my defense, the weather has been soul-crushingly bad today and I don't think anything could get me out there.
- 8:56: I just realized my German has gotten so good, that I understand and can translate songs in German, back into English. That's a big step for me. I barely understand songs in English.
- 9:00: Eurovision begins! (take II). By the way, this is the 59th Eurovision and Abba won this way back in the day.
- 9:07: They're introducing all the performers. A few of my hopefuls go pretty early: Ukraine 1st, Romania performs 6th, the hotties from Poland 9th, Conchita Wurst (Austria) 11th
- 9:13: Ukraine is starting off. The announcers pretend like nothing strange is going on there. Tonight is about fun. And, the Ukranian performer has a dude running in a large hamster wheel behind her. The hamster wheel was used in the Semis too. Amazing.
- 9:19: Belarus is 2nd, doing a song called "Cheesecake" and trust me, that is all you need to know.
-9:21: Azerbaijan is 3rd. Which I like, because their capital is Baku (pronounced Bah- Koo). It's just fun to say. Another country I have a soft spot for.
- 9:24: Heads up for those interested in the ladies. I think you want to find a woman from Ukraine or Azerbaijan. They were quite easy on the eyes.
-9:25: Iceland is 4th, doing a song called "No Prejudice" (nice message) and they look like they're wearing the Voltron colors: #datedreference
They're kinda corny, but Iceland is a country of 320,000 people. This must be the best they can do.
-9:30: Fun fact about Iceland. The country is so small and blood lines so close, they have an "Incest Prevention App", to make sure you don't have sex with close relatives. Not joking, click the link.
-9:31: Norway is 5th and he sucks and looks very Norwegian.
-9:33: Romania is 6th!! My sleeper pick (song is called "Miracle") and I love them for their 360 degree piano (see yesterday's post) It would really be a sleeper win. They are 66-1 odds to win. Yes, you can bet on Eurovision.
-9:37: Armenia is 7th, odds are 8-1 for them to win. I don't know how that happened. The performer's name is "Aram MP3." (again not joking)
- 9:40: Montenegro is 8th and if you saw yesterday's post, you know he's singing in Montenegrin. I'm gonna take a 4 minute nap. Brb.
-9:44: Now I feel bad about my Montenegro hate, the singer seemed like he was nice.
-9:45: Now for Poland's (9th) overt sexuality in a blatant attempt to get the "horny teen" vote.
- 9:49: Greece is 10th. Here is another country I want to win for geopolitical reasons. They have an Op-Art meets Boy Band meets Hip-Hop meets "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" meets Cirque Du Soleil thing going on. By the way, those aren't negatives.
- 9:53: Here comes Austria and drag queen "Conchita Wurst" at number 11, another favorite of mine. Her song is actually good. I'm putting aside my vegan views and cheering for someone named "sausage."
- 9:55: Conchita Wurst must have had beard transplant surgery. It's just too perfect. Beard transplants are also a real thing, click the link.
-9:57: Germany is 12th. They are 150-1 to win. They're not that bad, but it's a weak year for the Fatherland. They had a winner in 2010. They'll live.
- 9:58: 12 songs in and I'm still hanging in there, if you're wondering. No sign at all of a popcorn coma.
-10:02: They just showed "Glam Dracula" in a flashback from last year. Of course, he was from Romania. I'm ashamed I forgot that. Have a look, if you want to be creeped out. And, if you laughed about my Dracula phobia yesterday, I accept your apologies.
- 10:04: Sweden is 13th. They are the favorite at 5/2. I have no idea how. I feel like there's some sort of a Scandinavian bias going on here.
- 10:08: France is 14th. They will be joining Montenegro in saying "Fuck you! We're singing in our own language."
- 10:09: A friend of mine texted me asking how the contest is going, so now I'm live blogging and live texting Eurovision. #multitasking
- 10:14: Russia is 15th. In the time it took to finish the song, I think Russia annexed another piece of Ukraine.
- 10:15: Countries you want a wife from: Ukraine, Russia, Poland, Azerbaijan, and Romania, if you're in a jam.
- 10:17: Number 16 is Italy. I have no real thoughts about the song. I'll use the song to take a 4 minute break...Oh wait, Italy join France and Montenegro in saying "Fuck you" to the world, she's singing in Italian.
- 10:20: Slovenia is 17th. The woman is playing a flute, stopping to sing in Slovenian, and then switching to English. #WinningTheNight
- 10:23: Slovenia is 200-1 odds to win. The world obviously does not appreciate a bilingual (at least), accomplished flutist.
- 10:25: Finland is 18th. General, random song. It's strange, it just looks like they have one person too many on stage.
- 10:28: Spain is 19th and they are on my shit list, since they have both Champions League Finalists this year. Yeah I know it's not connected. But, Eurovision is about, in part, mindless nationalism. So, that's my excuse.
- 10:31: We had quite a few ballads tonight, Spain included. But, if you're not rocking a perfect beard with your gown, I'm just not feeling it anymore. Conchita changed me forever.
- 10:32: Switzerland is 20th. I think I'm gonna make it to end of this thing. Switzerland is another act, where it looks like one extra person is on stage. Meh. Switzerland was 80-1 odds, that seems right.
- 10:37: Hungary is 21st. Singer was born in America, his song has a message against child abuse, and his dad played with Lou Reed! 15-1 odds on Hungary. #SleeperPick
-10:40: Malta is 22nd. I had a lot of anger towards Malta yesterday. But, they kinda sound like a fake-me-out "Mumford And Sons." Check it out:
- 10:42: They're a lot of small countries in Europe. I wonder if others have "Incest Apps" like Iceland. I mean Malta has 450,000 people. San Marino: 31,000 people.
- 10:44: Denmark is 23rd and seems to have just one dude too many on stage. They seem to fuck up their boy bands in Europe. They can't seem to count correctly. It must be the Metric System.
- 10:50: Netherlands is 24th. I'm getting punchy. Blah, blah, blah, political joke, blah, blah, blah, marijuana joke...Thank god, there are only 2 more after this.
- 10:52: San Marino is 25th. I'm adding them to my list of countries that should have an "Incest App" The list is as follows: Iceland, Malta, Isle of Man, Jersey, and Andorra. Random song by the way. Another ballad, another gown, another woman without a beard. Zzzzz...
- 10:56: United Kingdom is 26th. For those of us that watch Eurovision too much, we remember that they had Bonnie Tyler's uninspired corpse perform last year.
- 10:57: The UK can't win this. This woman sounds nothing like: Amy Winehouse, Joss Stone, Paloma Faith, Birdy, Florence and The Machine, Adele, Duffy, Kate Nash, or Estelle. #MissedOpportunity
- 10:59: Way back when, in my "Amorphous Thoughts" blog days, I wrote a post comparing Amy Winehouse and singers of her ilk/sound, to Michael Keaton in "Multiplicity." Check it out, if you missed it.
- 11:00: Songs are finally over...Back when the winner is announced!
- 11:15: You're not missing much, if you're not watching and only reading this blog. They're doing bullshit to kill time (a bunch of weird songs) while they count votes and I'm still eating popcorn. Not much is happening anywhere. Back soon.
- 11:44: Now, we are to the part where each country announces their results. The presenter invariably will make a grammar error in English and speak for just a little too long.
- 11:46: There's also a satellite delay, that usually makes things a little awkward.
- 11:55: The Malta vote notifier is also easy on the eyes. You might want to add Malta to your list of "Places To Marry Someone From."
- 11:57: I also love saying "Malta." It sounds like a drink you'd get in a Spanish bodega.
- 11:59: Add Armenia to the "Places To Marry Someone From" list as well.
- 12:01 (05/11): I'm a running diary bawse. This just crossed into Day 2!
-12:17: For the record, every country has reported their vote totals in English with the exception of France. France continues to throw middle fingers up to the world.
-12:18: And, things are looking really good for Conchita to win.. 5 countries to still report and she's up 18 points. I'm not shaving for the next 7 days, if she wins.
- 12:23: Conchita is announced the winner!! Here's her song again:
- 12:28: Signing off. I hope you guys liked the diary. I'm growing my beard in honor of Conchita. It will look nowhere near as good. Tschuess. Au revoir. Tot ziens. Szia. Ciao. Adeus. Ok, that's enough goodbyes and enough languages. Later!
- 12:34: Just overheard in a Vienna bar, "She was cute, but she didn't have a beard."
