This blog will be a collection of my random thoughts, quotes from my nights out, texts, personal musings, crazy stuff I see around Hamburg, funny pics, etc. It will function as if your Facebook, Tumbler, Twitter, Tumbler, Instagram, and WhatsApp accounts had an inappropriate relationship with one another. And, this blog was its subsequent love child.
- It will be a longer post one day, when I really delve into my ideas. But, in short, I think patriotism is born from pride in your home country. And, the list of the horrors the US has wrought on the world (and black people in their own country) is long.
- I see the flag and feel absolutely nothing for my home country. I will write more in-depth about it, but that's where my "negative patriotism" comes from. It's an embarrassment and shame, to me, what the US has done, especially in it's recent history.
- I think I have my "rooting interest" for the tournament and it's Belgium. A good young team, a country so small that it's absolutely adorable when you look at it on a map, they have great chocolate, and great beer. What's not to love?
- I also learned last night, that I have zero patriotism for my home country. I couldn't care less, if they won last night. I have, what I'm starting to call "negative patriotism." (trademark pending)
- I've "idiot-proofed" my apartment, after locking myself out last week. (see right)
- Now that I think about it, Iran vs. Nigeria is also currently winning my award for: "Match Involving Countries With The Largest Oil Reserves."
- Second place also goes to Puma for saying, "Fuck it, we'll sell them two different gloves at the same time too."
- Early award for "Best Advertising" goes to Puma for them saying, "Fuck it, we'll just sell them two shoes at one time."
- It's my thing to cheer for teams done in my the awful foreign policy
of the "West." (by "West", I mostly mean the United States) So, naturally I'm
pulling for Iran over Nigeria. It pains me to cheer against Nigeria GK,
Vincent Enyeama. If anyone is here, that also read my World Cup blog in
2010, you know I love him.
- Iran vs Nigeria is currently winning my award for: "Match Involving Two Countries Where Shit Couldn't Be Going Much Worse" #BokoHaram #Isis - Riding the train during a Germany World Cup match and it looks like a scene from "I Am Legend" #AllByMyself
- Ok, we're at Day 5 of the World Cup. Honestly, I'm totally
conflicted about how awful things reportedly are in Brazil (protestors,
evicted residents, etc). Nevertheless, I'm pushing on trying to get into
the tournament.
Last year, there was a big food scandal in Germany, because horse meat found its way into beef products. I never understood the uproar. Meat is so cheap, what can people expect?
Anyway, I saw this sign today. We're at the point where some meat costs less than fucking gum.
I think you're lucky if it comes from anything with 4 legs.
- If you were curious, "Handschuhschneeballwerfer" displaced "Elfenbeinkuste" (Ivory Coast) as my favorite German word.
- (My new favorite German word) Handschuhschneeballwerfer: a coward willing to criticize and abuse from a safe distance (translates directly as "gloved snowball thrower")
- "If this worked out, I could see myself being a diva, wanting special teas and shit." #JamesQuotesJames
- "I read a paragraph. I'll take 90,000 Euros please." #JamesQuotesJames
- "I can be a little Princess sometimes." #JamesQuotesJames
- "You owe me no explanation, for a slow reply to my nonsense." #JQJ
- 'I wear ladies's deodorant. I just feel it jives better with my body." #JQJ
- "Dark circles under your eyes = Globetrotter Swag" #JQJ
- "I will not be running for any bus or train today. It's too hot and I can't risk sweating in public." #JQJ
- "We have officially hit the "2 showers/ day minimum" time of year." #JQJ
- "My beard is somewhere between "Conchita Wurst" and "Homeless guy", but at least it doesn't itch." #JQJ
(unless this crosses midnight, times are PM, and GMT, Eastern Standard Time + 6 hours)
- 7:45: Ok, so I've decided to do this. I know it's crazy. I'm certain
no one will read this but me. But, Eurovision has a special place in my
heart. I have no idea why. I find the contest charming. And, as a bonus,
I can make so many jokes about Europe's checkered history. #GeopoliticalFun
- 7:46: By the way, popcorn's made for the night. I think I made too much. (I'm watching this alone)
- 7:50: In my defense, I'm a big guy and when I cook/make something small, where you measure with your "eye", I always make too much. Foods I always make too much of: Quinoa, all pastas, Bulgur, Popcorn, white and brown rice, lentils, Cous Cous, and Barley Wheat
- 7:59: Ok, just back from the kitchen, I had to double check which grain/legume/nuts I always make too much of and my list was complete. There was one exception. I always eat too much Musli each morning. It's another thing that looks like I never have enough of it.
- 8:00: Tagesschau time. A news staple here in Germany (kinda like the "Nightly News" in America). 15 minutes to the show.
- 8:01: I'm hoping popcorn doesn't have the same shit turkey has in it. Otherwise, I'll be in a coma by 9:30
- 8:03: Ok, there are only reduced levels of tryptophan in corn. I should make it to the end. I should have thought of that, before making enough popcorn for a large movie theater.
- 8:07: According to Tagesschau, the world's still fucked up. Glad I tuned in.
- 8:09: To quote myself from yesterday's post, here is a quick reminder, the countries that I'm ok with winning this thing and reasons for : "I am okay if Iceland wins (they jailed their bankers after the economic crisis, and forgave the debt of regular people),
Greece, Ireland, or Italy win (fucked during the Euro crisis and still being fucked), Austria
(drag queen with a better beard than I can grow),
Romania (circular piano, and musical Prozac-type song), Latvia (for
kitsch), Poland (overt, borderline desperate display of sexuality),
France (because a part of me appreciates their xenophobia and unwillingness to sing in English) and Hungary
(no real reason to hate them).
- 8:15: Eurovision begins!! By the way, this year's show is hosted by
Copenhagen. The country, with the winning song from last year, hosts
the following year's contest. #UselessInfo
- 8:16: Wait, it doesn't begin. There's a 45 minute pre-party. The actual contest starts at 9pm. Oh no, this might have thrown off my popcorn intake for the evening. This is what happens when you do half-assed research. Back at 9pm guys.
- 8:52: Wow, I also just learned that the pre-party was on the Reeperbahn, here in Hamburg today. Again, the perils of half-assed research. In my defense, the weather has been soul-crushingly bad today and I don't think anything could get me out there.
- 8:56: I just realized my German has gotten so good, that I understand and can translate songs in German, back into English. That's a big step for me. I barely understand songs in English.
- 9:00: Eurovision begins! (take II). By the way, this is the 59th Eurovision and Abba won this way back in the day.
- 9:07: They're introducing all the performers. A few of my hopefuls go pretty early: Ukraine 1st, Romania performs 6th, the hotties from Poland 9th, Conchita Wurst (Austria) 11th
- 9:13: Ukraine is starting off. The announcers pretend like nothing strange is going on there. Tonight is about fun. And, the Ukranian performer has a dude running in a large hamster wheel behind her. The hamster wheel was used in the Semis too. Amazing.
- 9:19: Belarus is 2nd, doing a song called "Cheesecake" and trust me, that is all you need to know.
-9:21: Azerbaijan is 3rd. Which I like, because their capital is Baku (pronounced Bah- Koo). It's just fun to say. Another country I have a soft spot for.
- 9:24: Heads up for those interested in the ladies. I think you want to find a woman from Ukraine or Azerbaijan. They were quite easy on the eyes.
-9:25: Iceland is 4th, doing a song called "No Prejudice" (nice message) and they look like they're wearing the Voltron colors: #datedreference
They're kinda corny, but Iceland is a country of 320,000 people. This must be the best they can do.
-9:30: Fun fact about Iceland. The country is so small and blood lines so close, they have an "Incest Prevention App", to make sure you don't have sex with close relatives. Not joking, click the link.
-9:31: Norway is 5th and he sucks and looks very Norwegian.
-9:33: Romania is 6th!! My sleeper pick (song is called "Miracle") and I love them for their 360 degree piano (see yesterday's post) It would really be a sleeper win. They are 66-1 odds to win. Yes, you can bet on Eurovision.
-9:37: Armenia is 7th, odds are 8-1 for them to win. I don't know how that happened. The performer's name is "Aram MP3." (again not joking)
- 9:40: Montenegro is 8th and if you saw yesterday's post, you know he's singing in Montenegrin. I'm gonna take a 4 minute nap. Brb.
-9:44: Now I feel bad about my Montenegro hate, the singer seemed like he was nice.
-9:45: Now for Poland's (9th) overt sexuality in a blatant attempt to get the "horny teen" vote.
- 9:49: Greece is 10th. Here is another country I want to win for geopolitical reasons. They have an Op-Art meets Boy Band meets Hip-Hop meets "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" meets Cirque Du Soleil thing going on. By the way, those aren't negatives.
- 9:53: Here comes Austria and drag queen "Conchita Wurst" at number 11, another favorite of mine. Her song is actually good. I'm putting aside my vegan views and cheering for someone named "sausage."
- 9:55: Conchita Wurst must have had beard transplant surgery. It's just too perfect. Beard transplants are also a real thing, click the link.
-9:57: Germany is 12th. They are 150-1 to win. They're not that bad, but it's a weak year for the Fatherland. They had a winner in 2010. They'll live.
- 9:58: 12 songs in and I'm still hanging in there, if you're wondering. No sign at all of a popcorn coma.
-10:02: They just showed "Glam Dracula" in a flashback from last year. Of course, he was from Romania. I'm ashamed I forgot that. Have a look, if you want to be creeped out. And, if you laughed about my Dracula phobia yesterday, I accept your apologies.
- 10:04: Sweden is 13th. They are the favorite at 5/2. I have no idea how. I feel like there's some sort of a Scandinavian bias going on here.
- 10:08: France is 14th. They will be joining Montenegro in saying "Fuck you! We're singing in our own language."
- 10:09: A friend of mine texted me asking how the contest is going, so now I'm live blogging and live texting Eurovision. #multitasking
- 10:14: Russia is 15th. In the time it took to finish the song, I think Russia annexed another piece of Ukraine.
- 10:15: Countries you want a wife from: Ukraine, Russia, Poland, Azerbaijan, and Romania, if you're in a jam.
- 10:17: Number 16 is Italy. I have no real thoughts about the song. I'll use the song to take a 4 minute break...Oh wait, Italy join France and Montenegro in saying "Fuck you" to the world, she's singing in Italian.
- 10:20: Slovenia is 17th. The woman is playing a flute, stopping to sing in Slovenian, and then switching to English. #WinningTheNight
- 10:23: Slovenia is 200-1 odds to win. The world obviously does not appreciate a bilingual (at least), accomplished flutist.
- 10:25: Finland is 18th. General, random song. It's strange, it just looks like they have one person too many on stage.
- 10:28: Spain is 19th and they are on my shit list, since they have both Champions League Finalists this year. Yeah I know it's not connected. But, Eurovision is about, in part, mindless nationalism. So, that's my excuse.
- 10:31: We had quite a few ballads tonight, Spain included. But, if you're not rocking a perfect beard with your gown, I'm just not feeling it anymore. Conchita changed me forever.
- 10:32: Switzerland is 20th. I think I'm gonna make it to end of this thing. Switzerland is another act, where it looks like one extra person is on stage. Meh. Switzerland was 80-1 odds, that seems right.
- 10:37: Hungary is 21st. Singer was born in America, his song has a message against child abuse, and his dad played with Lou Reed! 15-1 odds on Hungary. #SleeperPick
-10:40: Malta is 22nd. I had a lot of anger towards Malta yesterday. But, they kinda sound like a fake-me-out "Mumford And Sons." Check it out:
- 10:42: They're a lot of small countries in Europe. I wonder if others have "Incest Apps" like Iceland. I mean Malta has 450,000 people. San Marino: 31,000 people.
- 10:44: Denmark is 23rd and seems to have just one dude too many on stage. They seem to fuck up their boy bands in Europe. They can't seem to count correctly. It must be the Metric System.
- 10:50: Netherlands is 24th. I'm getting punchy. Blah, blah, blah, political joke, blah, blah, blah, marijuana joke...Thank god, there are only 2 more after this.
- 10:52: San Marino is 25th. I'm adding them to my list of countries that should have an "Incest App" The list is as follows: Iceland, Malta, Isle of Man, Jersey, and Andorra. Random song by the way. Another ballad, another gown, another woman without a beard. Zzzzz...
- 10:57: The UK can't win this. This woman sounds nothing like: Amy Winehouse, Joss Stone, Paloma Faith, Birdy, Florence and The Machine, Adele, Duffy, Kate Nash, or Estelle. #MissedOpportunity
- 10:59: Way back when, in my "Amorphous Thoughts" blog days, I wrote a post comparing Amy Winehouse and singers of her ilk/sound, to Michael Keaton in "Multiplicity." Check it out, if you missed it.
- 11:00: Songs are finally over...Back when the winner is announced!
- 11:15: You're not missing much, if you're not watching and only reading this blog. They're doing bullshit to kill time (a bunch of weird songs) while they count votes and I'm still eating popcorn. Not much is happening anywhere. Back soon.
- 11:44: Now, we are to the part where each country announces their results. The presenter invariably will make a grammar error in English and speak for just a little too long.
- 11:46: There's also a satellite delay, that usually makes things a little awkward.
- 11:55: The Malta vote notifier is also easy on the eyes. You might want to add Malta to your list of "Places To Marry Someone From."
- 11:57: I also love saying "Malta." It sounds like a drink you'd get in a Spanish bodega.
- 11:59: Add Armenia to the "Places To Marry Someone From" list as well.
- 12:01 (05/11): I'm a running diary bawse. This just crossed into Day 2!
-12:17: For the record, every country has reported their vote totals in English with the exception of France. France continues to throw middle fingers up to the world.
-12:18: And, things are looking really good for Conchita to win.. 5 countries to still report and she's up 18 points. I'm not shaving for the next 7 days, if she wins.
- 12:23: Conchita is announced the winner!! Here's her song again:
- 12:28: Signing off. I hope you guys liked the diary. I'm growing my beard in honor of Conchita. It will look nowhere near as good. Tschuess. Au revoir. Tot ziens. Szia. Ciao. Adeus. Ok, that's enough goodbyes and enough languages. Later!
- 12:34: Just overheard in a Vienna bar, "She was cute, but she didn't have a beard."
- I give up whittling down the list any further, it's too hard. I am okay if Iceland wins (they jailed their bankers after the economic crisis, and forgave the debt of regular people), Greece, Ireland, or Italy win (fucked during the Euro crisis), Austria (drag queen with a better beard than I can grow (see left, below)), Romania (circular piano, and musical Prozac-type song), Latvia (for kitsch), Poland (overt, borderline desperate display of sexuality), France (because a part of me appreciates their xenophobia) and Hungary (no real reason to hate them).
- Germany and Netherlands I say goodbye to you as well. Germany is one of the strongest economic countries (probably the strongest) in the EU. And, you can smoke marijuana legally in Amsterdam. You both are countries that have shit way too good. Germany also had a Eurovision winner back in 2010. (Lena Meyer Landrut) Yes, I pay way too much attention to this contest. 23 down, 8 to go.
- I have to drop all other countries (excluding Latvia) that end in "ia." I'm not sure exactly where you guys are on a map, so you must be jettisoned. So, I say goodbye to: Armenia, Estonia, Albania, Lithuania, Macedonia, and Slovenia. 21 down, 10 to go.
- Latvia is now on par with Austria (drag queen singer), Poland (overt sexuality) and Romania (circular piano) due to their epic levels of un-ironic campiness. Take 3 minutes of your life and listen to "Cake To Bake", the Latvia entry for 2014.
- Poland is now neck and neck with Conchita Wurst (Austria) for my rooting interest tomorrow. I find their blatant use of sexuality, kinda enduring. So, I've narrowed this down to countries Germany really fucked up in World War II.
- Minor correction. The song from the French representative will also not be sung in English. I told you this preview was "half-assed."
- Ms. Conchita Wurst now has a battle for my affection. The folks from Romania have a song that could be classified as "musical Prozac" and one of the singers play a circular piano. It will be hard to chop from the 2nd half. Check out the piano though.
- Yesterday's post was a microcosm of how the Eurovision contest grabs me each year. I simply wondered aloud, who I didn't want to vote for and it turned into a post where I eliminate 15 of the nations.
- Malta, you're out for the same reason as San Marino. You're a little less ridiculous with a population of 450,000, but c'mon, you still make places like Rhode Island seem big. 15 down, 16 to go.
- I'm having trouble eliminating others, so we'll take a music break. Here's the winner of the 2012 contest Loreen, with her winning song "Euphoria." It's "musical Prozac" to me. I'm at Lady Gaga levels of happiness when I hear this song.
- Ok, San Marino, you have to go because you are a country of 31,000 people. That's barely the populaiton a small city, that's ridiculous and you shouldn't be here wasting everyone's time. Can't you guys just vote to become part of Russia or something? 14 down, 17 to go.
- United Kingdom has to go, because I don't want to see David Cameron (Prime Minister of England) happy for any reason. Here's his hit-list, if you're unfamiliar with how horrible he is. If you can imagine an even more dickish Mitt Romney plus a posh accent, that's David Cameron. In this pic, he was calling for more austerity, literally in front of a gold throne. (not exaggerating, Google the speech deets). England (United Kingdom) CAN NOT win. 13 down, 18 to go.
- Romania is out because it's Dracula's birthplace. As a kid, and still now, it freaks me out to see people bitten on the neck. Look at the photo, it's horrifying. I've always had trouble with Dracula movies. I know Dracula isn't real guys. But, hey, my fears are irrational. 12 down, 19 to go.
- Switzerland is out because their social system rivals that of Scandinavia and they are talking about a basic income for all their citizens of around 2,800 US Dollars/ month. I'm jealous and petty and this is another country where shit is going well enough that they don't need a Eurovision winner. And, they hide all of the world's dodgy money. 11 down, 20 to go. The lovely Ms. Wurst is still in the lead.
- The country of Georgia is out. When I hear Georgia, I think of the American South and there are few things I like less, than the American South. 10 down, 21 to go.
- Israel has to go. 2 reasons: They're not even in fucking Europe and they commit war crimes, basically daily. If America wasn't America, Israel would be America, kinda. It makes sense, if you don't really think about it. 9 down, 22 to go.
- Montenegro has to go as well. I'm all for expanding my horizons, but I draw the line at Montenegrin music. 8 down, 23 more to go.
- Ok, so 31 nations are performing. I've eliminated 7 (Russia, Spain, Portugal, all of Scandinavia (see below)) so far. 46 hours till the show begins, I can do this.
- I can't cheer for any of the Scandinavian nations, so out goes: Finland, Norway, Denmark, Sweden. You guys already have a great social welfare system, you don't need a Eurovision contest winner too.And, Denmark won last year anyway.
- But, as a vegan, can I really cheer for someone who goes by the last name "Wurst"? And, this is why it's hard to be a liberal. #EndlessGuilt
- As a bonus, she wears a full beard and a long gown to most of her performances.
- As always, I suggest Americans watch the Eurovision contest. It's a great way to learn about countries we aren't bombing. #rimshot
- And, proving that it's great to be from an English-speaking country, all but one of the songs will be sung in English on Saturday. The singer from Montenegro will be singing in Montenegrin. He is begging to not win the contest.
- I just learned that Eurovision votes coming out of the Crimean region of Ukraine, will count as Ukranian votes. And see, this is how Eurovision gets me every year. #GeopoliticalFun
- Ok, I'm gonna work this out before Saturday. Nations I can't cheer for: Portugal and Spain (soccer reasons), Russia (Crimea reasons)
- This is, in a nutshell, why the Eurovision contest always pulls me in. I just lost 30 minutes simply figuring out reasons to not cheer for nations hit by a financial crisis.
- And, the Champions League Final is being held in Lisbon. To hell with you twice, Portugal.
- Wait, and one of the Europa League Finalists are from Portugal...so to hell with Portugal too.
- Now that I think about it, we have an all-Madrid Champions League Final...so, to hell with Spain.
- It will start innocent enough. I'll start watching it ironically. Probably post some snarky tweets to Twitter. And, then, before I know it, 4 hours will fly by because I've been cheering on all the nations done in by the Euro crisis (namely the "PIIGS": Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece, Spain). Yeah, I connect everything to politics.
- I just found out that the Eurovision contest is on this Saturday. There is 150% chance that I will waste 4 hours of my life watching it.
- Sometimes I post controversial stuff on Facebook, just to confirm who my asshole "friends" are. If you see anything regarding the minimum wage, reproductive rights for women, making fun of religion, rights for sex workers, and the like, I'm probably baiting you, to see your level asshole-ness.
- Somehow I did not notice this in past contracts I signed in Germany. (I was told the clause is common) But, Germany says "Nein" to Scientology in the strongest of ways with its "L. Ron Hubbard" clause.
For my curious atheist friends, no other nonsense religions were mentioned.
- It will be a longer post one day, when I really delve into my ideas. But, in short, I think patriotism is born from pride in your home country. And, the list of the horrors the US has wrought on the world (and black people in their own country) is long.
